The Gospel According to Patriarchy
A SATIRICAL summary of the Patriarchal Interpretation of the Bible
From Alexander1, apostle of God the Father;
To Prochorus2, Head Pastor of Manly Bride of Christ Church;
Greetings, man of God, upon whom all the privileges of being bigger and of the first-created are bestowed. I had intended to write to you about the privileges we share and the freedom Christ gave exclusively to men, but now I must write to you about the gravest of dangers to threaten God’s natural order: the simultaneous rising of the female equality and the falling of male supremacy.
For we know that man was made superior to woman in every way: he was created before her, and he was made stronger, faster, more aggressive, smarter, more morally upright, and unencumbered by monthly cycles or the uncleanness of pregnancy and childbirth, which, as you yourself know, causes women to be emotionally unstable. In this, God displays his favoritism and highest blessing upon Man, after whom all humanity is named.
Yet in these last days have come rebels, bewitched by the evil Jezebel Spirit and rejecting God’s design as so clearly patterned after the animal kingdom, where the male rules by force. You, Prochorus, must not give them an inch, for the fruit of the Divine is first of all power, then authority, and then the Chain of Command wherein every link knows its place. As the scriptures say, “All humans are equal, but some humans are more equal than others”.
Now, Prochorus, you must teach them these things:
No woman is to have even the remotest appearance of authority over a man. Now a man is defined as any male over the age of fourteen, or twelve if he is fairly large, or the son of the Pastor over the age of two; no male is to be considered a man if he thinks women are equal to men, or if he does not rule his household with a rod of iron. In speaking to a man, a woman must always be careful to express everything in a way that honors and preserves his natural, God-ordained authority. And she must do this while dressed in whatever manner men deem proper, smiling and bowing, remembering that she has no other purpose than to please, serve, and reproduce.
I do not permit any woman ever to even appear to teach a man, even if it’s so much as giving directions to the nearest Temple. Let them never utter a peep in the worship services, but remain in subjection and humiliation. For if you allow them to speak, like Adam you may be lured into sin; it was she, not the serpent, who tempted him that the serpent was not brave enough to attack.3 He failed to control and silence her, and all the suffering in the world since then has been due to her feminine wiles. Though Adam could not stand against this temptation, this only showed his inherent leadership ability all the more. Do not allow women to twist the scriptures and make this look like a weakness on Adam’s part; the serpent could learn a thing or two about temptation from a woman!
Tell the women that, in spite of the clear superiority of men and the blame all women carry because of Eve, they are nonethless important and valuable, prized possessions that don’t hinder a man in his work or leisure. They must learn that being equal would make them superior, which is an abomination before God. Though they are equally human (since, biologically speaking, Eve was made from Adam), they carry from Eve the curse of deceivableness. This is why we only allow them to teach our innocent and vulnerable children, or other women. You may not understand it now, but God will grant you insight into all this.
A woman’s head must always be covered in church, as a sign of submission to men. Otherwise the angels in heaven will be moved to lust; it is only in church that angels can become lustful. (This also proves that angels are males, since they too cannot resist feminine wiles.) And as his wife’s head, a husband must be covered as well, which means his wife covers him with praise. Her covering is literal, while his is spiritual; this is the way of God. Nonetheless, he is really her spiritual covering. More importantly, she must be covered while prophesying. But I forbid a woman to speak, so if it looks like she’s prophesying in her thoughts, shave her head and assign her a place with the prostitutes and sinners.
Oh, the depth of deception, that teaches the blurring of gender lines under the pretense of “submit to one another” or The Golden Rule! How would men and women be told apart without hierarchy? Or how would the words of God not be tainted and poisoned when passed through female lips? How brazen they are, claiming that to obey a husband as they obey Christ is idolatry! Only women are to have two “heads”; such a thing on a man is a monstrosity. Does not the scripture say that equality means one-way hierarchy forever? Is not our blessed Lord playing an eternal submissive role of Son to the Father, which is a model of how a wife submits to her husband? A curse upon anyone who would call that a model of incest! Does not God say expressly that a woman can never come boldly to the throne of grace, for boldness is not her role to play?
Above all, remember that as Eve’s daughters, all women are dormant Jezebels who continually strive to escape their place. Since Adam was bold enough to blame God for making her, God bestowed upon him and his sons the right of rule over all women forever and ever, amen. May we, like Adam, remember to always show God how bold we are, and we will reap the rewards of conquerers. Put all these things into practice, Prochorus, and follow my lead. Silence the women and any man who has abandoned his duty, and thus preserve for yourself the reward of those who conquer. Farewell.
- Alexander means “defending men”.
- Prochorus means “leader of the dance”.
- This, and much else of what patriarchy teaches about women, comes from such notables as St. Tertullian, St. Augustine of Hippo, St. Thomas Aquinas, Martin Luther, and today’s Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood; see Misogymy’s War Against Egalitarianism.